At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
