made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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