I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
