It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
