Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Did you just see the Batmobile???
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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