OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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