If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
