I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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