I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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