Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just want nice things and good sex
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
