If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Hippo gnu deer
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
