i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
