literally had 100 drinks last night.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just puked most of my soul out..
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
