Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
