I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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