Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
