If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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