I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
