the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
