does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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