My hand turned me down
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
