I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
