there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
