i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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