Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
