Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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