Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
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