This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
