from now on my penis is your penis
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
