i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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