Its about making memories worth repressing
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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