I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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