He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize