her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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