just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
