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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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