Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
