OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
