You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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