Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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