I cannot find my penis.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
