They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize