I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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