I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
