Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We talked him into tasing himself.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
