so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
