I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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