My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
operation harelip BJ is a go
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize