Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
