Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
