During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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