she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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